I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...