we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
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we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.