Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
