The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
