just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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