He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
