Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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