Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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