Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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