you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
