It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
whose ass print is on the piano?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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