how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
