At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
They are going to name an STD after you.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
