I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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