I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
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I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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