Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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