Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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