im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
