dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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