I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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