last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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