I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My pussy is not your playground.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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