i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize