how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
