i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
