I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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