i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
