Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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