i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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