Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
