Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
