You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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