omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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