apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
