Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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