So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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