he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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