I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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