Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????