mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me