Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.