If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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