I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
