I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
