Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
