Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
