Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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