MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
