Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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