Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
