Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm really busy with my period
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