He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He? As in you personified your dick?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
