My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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