I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
