I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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