i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize