do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
