I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
