My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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