The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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